April is Autism awareness month.

I thought I would talk about a subject other than baseball or baseball cards for one post.

April is Autism Awareness month.  The goal is the bring more well.. awareness and understanding to those that have it. The problem is so many articles tend to be told from a neutral viewpoint (from someone that doesn't have it, or doesn't know anyone that has it), or from an experts or parent's viewpoint.  What you don't tend to see is the actual people with autism or with Aspergers   and I think that is just important, if not more  to get what they have to say out there.  This month is about them after all.

 

I touched on a previous post that I have Asperger’s syndrome, but didn’t really go into a lot of detail.  Asperger’s is on the Autism spectrum but on the more mild end.   Rain man I am not.    I’m the type that brings a book to a party.  The type that never knows what to say and whose conversations often dies minutes after they have begun.   The one who still has to remember and often forgets to look people in the eye.

Over the last several years Asperger’s have become more prevalent in society.  It has been talked about in the media, there are characters with Asperger’s on TV and in books and everyone seems to have an opinion on it.  Some are saying it is the new ADHD and the diagnosis is being tossed around like beads at the Mardi Gra.  Some even say it is made up and the kids are just brats.  

It is because these kinds of ignorant comments that I decided to make a post, because even with all the talk about it, few people actually understand what Asperger’s really is.  If I can make just make one person see that I am not just some “shy” kid or make one person understand a little bit more about Aspergers then that will be good enough for me.

Growing up   I never really fit in.   I was different.  I was awkward. Even my family knew there was something off about me but they never could tell just what it was.   That wouldn’t happen until I was nearly seventeen, but I will get to that later.

School was the worst time of my life. I was made fun of just about until I graduated.   It wasn’t so bad the first few grades.  I think partly due to kids not being as socially aware as the older grades

 In fourth grade I transferred to a private school and that was when the shit hit the fan.  My differences started to come to light and my classmates jumped on them and me.   Those were the worst two years of my life.  I vividly remember being told to jump from two stories up because it would be “fun”   I was ten and eleven and I talked about killing myself. My fourth grade teacher recommended I see someone because she could see something off with me as well.  The guy saw me once and told me that I needed  to get some self esteem and to get a “hobby”.

I transferred out of that school in the sixth grade, but even at different school things didn’t get better.  I was still me.  Middle school was some of the worst years of my life.   I was called ugly constantly.  I remember guys coming up to say their “friend” liked me just to embarrass the friend.  I guess because I was so hideous. I did manage to make friends, but I was still that weird girl, the one nobody wanted to sit with or partner up with.  

As high school rolled around things got a little better.  I was still made fun of though and I was still the odd duck.  It was then though that I would finally get diagnosed.   I was in the eleventh grade and having issues.  I was talking about suicide and having bad anxieties about school so my mom took me to a psychiatrist.

On the very first visit she brought up the term Asperger’s Syndrome.  Until that day we had never heard of it.  The list she gave my mom of the symptoms fit me to a T though.  Finally there was a name for why I never fit in, why I hated tags on my shirt, clasped my hands over my ears and why I did the things I did.   Finally we had answers.

Unfortunately  nobody else had any idea what Asperger’s was either  Sadly even today there are family members that don’t accept that there is anything  “wrong” with me.    By the time I get a diagnosis, I was in the twelfth grade.  I was put in a resource class for one period but that was more study hall than anything.   In the end I had to take a math course in the summer to graduate and my GPA was dismal. 

Today I am twenty seven and still live at home and likely will for a while.  I don’t drive and have never had a job before.    I am currently on SSI for my Asperger’s and Anxiety.  It took three tries to get it.   I actually remember being told if I was pregnant I could get help.  

 We have actually tried to get me help in getting a job.  Sadly in a small town options are limited.  One place we tried was for so called normal people out of work and another was for people with severe autism.  People like me were stuck being the preverbal rock and a hard place.   I know that I can work the only problem is finding the work and understanding employers.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had been born ten years later and diagnosed earlier.  Could I have gotten more help?   Would I be able to work or drive? Or live on my own? Taking money from the government wasn’t something I want or am proud of.  I need help though. Asperger’s is more than just social issues.  It is more than being socially awkward.  It reaches into nearly every aspect of my life.

 I have sensory issues.    I hate being touched, even by my own family.  I have never willingly hugged or kissed anyone on my own.  I’m asexually and a virgin.  A touch on the knee or arm makes me jerk out reflexively as if shocked. Loud noises startle me and make me clasp my hands over my ears.  I cannot wear certain fabrics.   I’m what you call a “picky” eater.  I will always try something but a lot of foods will make me gag

My fine and gross motor skills are shall we say... lacking.  I still can’t hold a pencil correctly.  I have trouble with sports.  Dancing is near impossible for me.  I’m drop things a lot and stumble and trip on a daily basis.  I cannot cut straight with scissors.

I also have issues with executive dysfunction.    In other words…. I’m messy disorganized and scatter brained.  I’m forever losing and misplacing things.  My room seems to make messes.  My short term memory scares me and if my own head wasn’t attached I would lose it.  I get confused with more than three or four instructions and I am easily overwhelmed and have trouble making decisions.

 Emotionally and socially I feel a lot younger, more like fourteen socially and ten emotional wise.  This is slowly progressing as when I was in high school.  I read a report where my maturity matched a six year olds.  I like toys and reading YA fiction Things like paying bills or other adult duties are beyond me.  My room looks like it belongs to a 12 year old boy.  I tend to get along with people a lot younger than me.   I relate better with them and can put myself in their shoe more so than I can the adult characters.

I have trouble controlling my emotions a time as well.  Simple frustrations overwhelm me at times and I have tendency of self-harming by hitting myself in the head with my fist or even scratching myself with my nails.  I have thrown things and broken things and even kicked at a pet.

I tend to have interests I obsess over.  I drive my mom crazy and I am constantly bringing up Chipper Jones or my cat Buffy, every day I bring them up and multiple times day at that.  She is the only one I have to talk to like this and I know I over-do it. 

 Boy did I ramble and whine, but there you have it, the effect the Asperger’s has on me. I hope that I made you just a little bit more aware of Aspergers, after all that is what the month is for

Why I am such a big Chipper fan

When I say I am a Chipper fan that is a understatement. I am a fanatical, tyrannical fan of the man. Some would even call it and unhealthy obsession. Not Kathy Bates in Misery obsessed. I am not going to tie him to the bed and break his legs, nor would I be the creepy stalker who digs through his garbage. I do have some self control and sanity. However, he is usually the first thing on my mind when I get up and the last thing on my mind when I got to bed.

I would like to explain WHY I am the way I am with him and why I took the news so hard last night. There are the logical reasons. He is a great player, he is a Brave and I admit it, he is a good looking. There is another main reason though that not many people will share with me. After a year of this blog and getting to know some of you I feel comfortable bringing this up.

I have Asperger's Syndrome, which is on the mild end of the autism spectrum. In a nut shell it means I have a lot of trouble socializing. I talked about my anxiety around people in a previous post The anxiety stems from this. I sometimes feel like a deaf mute trying to navigate through the world.

It is one of the main reasons for this blog, so I can communicate with others on my own terms. The social interaction I get from you people and trough conducting trades is often the only social interaction I get. It has been a lifesaver for me.

I was diagnosed when I was 17. Previously I had never even heard of the word.. My family knew that these was always something a little “off” with me though. I would trip over my own feet, loud noises would make me cover my hand over my ears, I couldn't stand tags in shirts. Most of the time school was a synonym for hell. I was picked on horribly and just couldn't seem to fit in. I had seen doctors before. One mentioned I just needed some “friends” and that I could outgrow said issues.

It didn't get better and they did not just go away. In the 11th grade I had been having thoughts of suicide. I ended up seeing a psychologist and on the very first meeting she asked my mom if she had every heard of Aspergers. It fit me to a T. Finally we had answers for why did the things I did.

There are often other issues that accompany Aspergers. One of them being a special interest. People with Aspergers often get fixated on a certain topic. It could be trains, or dinosaurs, or whatever. They find out all they can about said interest and often talk about it obsessively.

For me that is a a person, Chipper Jones. Don't get me wrong, I love the Braves and baseball. but Chipper is "special." I know I talk about him to much. I bring his name up constantly around the house. Multiple times a day in fact. If a day went by that I didn't mention his name, my mom would think there was something seriously wound with me She is sick to death of hearing about Chipper and yet I have a very hard time not bringing him up.

If there is a Chipper item I have to get it, if he is on the news I have to see him, if there is an article about him I have to clip it out. I get anxious when I can't do these things. When I was younger I would say I wanted to marry him. The thing that I talk about endlessly, will no longer be in my daily life. My dream come true would be to meet him. To shake his hand would mean the world to me.

Now that obsession is gone. It is like losing a limb almost. He has been my interest for fifteen years. I hope that he may come back next year, but he might not. I will still follow the Braves and watch the games. I am a fan and Chipper will not change that. It just will not be the same.