I thought I would talk about a subject other than baseball or
baseball cards for one post.
April is Autism Awareness month. The goal is the bring more well.. awareness and understanding to those that have it. The problem is so many articles tend to be told from a neutral viewpoint (from someone that doesn't have it, or doesn't know anyone that has it), or from an experts or parent's viewpoint. What you don't tend to see is the actual people with autism or with Aspergers and I think that is just important, if not more to get what they have to say out there. This month is about them after all.
I touched on a previous post that I have Asperger’s
syndrome, but didn’t really go into a lot of detail. Asperger’s is on the Autism spectrum but on
the more mild end. Rain man I am
not. I’m the type that brings a book
to a party. The type that never knows
what to say and whose conversations often dies minutes after they have
begun. The one who still has to
remember and often forgets to look people in the eye.
Over the last several years Asperger’s have become more
prevalent in society. It has been talked
about in the media, there are characters with Asperger’s on TV and in books and
everyone seems to have an opinion on it.
Some are saying it is the new ADHD and the diagnosis is being tossed
around like beads at the Mardi Gra. Some
even say it is made up and the kids are just brats.
It is because these kinds of ignorant comments that I
decided to make a post, because even with all the talk about it, few people
actually understand what Asperger’s really is. If I can make just make one person see that I
am not just some “shy” kid or make one person understand a little bit more
about Aspergers then that will be good enough for me.
Growing up I never
really fit in. I was different. I was awkward. Even my family knew there was
something off about me but they never could tell just what it was. That wouldn’t happen until I was nearly
seventeen, but I will get to that later.
School was the worst time of my life. I was made fun of
just about until I graduated. It wasn’t so bad the first few grades. I think partly due to kids not being as
socially aware as the older grades
In fourth grade I transferred
to a private school and that was when the shit hit the fan. My differences started to come to light and
my classmates jumped on them and me.
Those were the worst two years of my life. I vividly remember being told to jump from
two stories up because it would be “fun”
I was ten and eleven and I talked about killing myself. My fourth grade teacher recommended I see someone because she
could see something off with me as well.
The guy saw me once and told me that I needed to get some self esteem and to get a “hobby”.
I transferred out of that school in the sixth grade, but
even at different school things didn’t get better. I was still me. Middle school was some of the worst years of
my life. I was called ugly
constantly. I remember guys coming up to
say their “friend” liked me just to embarrass the friend. I guess because I was so hideous. I did
manage to make friends, but I was still that weird girl, the one nobody wanted
to sit with or partner up with.
As high school rolled around things got a little
better. I was still made fun of though
and I was still the odd duck. It was
then though that I would finally get diagnosed. I was in the eleventh grade and having
issues. I was talking about suicide and
having bad anxieties about school so my mom took me to a psychiatrist.
On the very first visit she brought up the term Asperger’s
Syndrome. Until that day we had never
heard of it. The list she gave my mom of
the symptoms fit me to a T though.
Finally there was a name for why I never fit in, why I hated tags on my
shirt, clasped my hands over my ears and why I did the things I did. Finally we had answers.
Unfortunately nobody
else had any idea what Asperger’s was either
Sadly even today there are family members that don’t accept that there
is anything “wrong” with me. By the time I get a diagnosis, I was in the
twelfth grade. I was put in a resource
class for one period but that was more study hall than anything. In the end I had to take a math course in the
summer to graduate and my GPA was dismal.
Today I am twenty seven and still live at home and likely
will for a while. I don’t drive and have
never had a job before. I am currently
on SSI for my Asperger’s and Anxiety. It
took three tries to get it. I actually
remember being told if I was pregnant I could get help.
We have actually
tried to get me help in getting a job.
Sadly in a small town options are limited. One place we tried was for so called normal
people out of work and another was for people with severe autism. People like me were stuck being the preverbal
rock and a hard place. I know that I
can work the only problem is finding the work and understanding employers.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had been
born ten years later and diagnosed earlier.
Could I have gotten more help?
Would I be able to work or drive? Or live on my own? Taking money from
the government wasn’t something I want or am proud of. I need help though. Asperger’s is more than
just social issues. It is more than
being socially awkward. It reaches into
nearly every aspect of my life.
I have sensory issues.
I hate being touched, even by my own family. I have never willingly hugged or kissed
anyone on my own. I’m asexually and a
virgin. A touch on the knee or arm makes
me jerk out reflexively as if shocked. Loud noises startle me and make me clasp
my hands over my ears. I cannot wear
certain fabrics. I’m what you call a
“picky” eater. I will always try
something but a lot of foods will make me gag
My fine and gross motor skills are shall we say...
lacking. I still can’t hold a pencil
correctly. I have trouble with
sports. Dancing is near impossible for
me. I’m drop things a lot and stumble
and trip on a daily basis. I cannot cut
straight with scissors.
I also have issues with executive dysfunction. In other words…. I’m messy disorganized and
scatter brained. I’m forever losing
and misplacing things. My room seems to
make messes. My short term memory scares
me and if my own head wasn’t attached I would lose it. I get confused with more than three or four
instructions and I am easily overwhelmed and have trouble making decisions.
Emotionally and
socially I feel a lot younger, more like fourteen socially and ten emotional
wise. This is slowly progressing as when
I was in high school. I read a report
where my maturity matched a six year olds.
I like toys and reading YA fiction Things like paying bills or other
adult duties are beyond me. My room looks like it belongs to a 12 year old boy. I tend to
get along with people a lot younger than me.
I relate better with them and can put myself in their shoe more so than I can the adult characters.
I have trouble controlling my emotions a time as well. Simple frustrations overwhelm me at times and
I have tendency of self-harming by hitting myself in the head with my fist or
even scratching myself with my nails. I have
thrown things and broken things and even kicked at a pet.
I tend to have interests I obsess over. I drive my mom crazy and I am constantly
bringing up Chipper Jones or my cat Buffy, every day I bring them up and
multiple times day at that. She is the
only one I have to talk to like this and I know I over-do it.
Boy did I ramble and
whine, but there you have it, the effect the Asperger’s has on me. I hope that
I made you just a little bit more aware of Aspergers, after all that is what
the month is for
